“despite knowing
they won’t be here for long
they still choose to live
their brightest lives…”
“sunflowers” by Rupi Kaur
After some years of grounding my feet into motherhood and devoting myself to homemaking. I have arrived at another and the most significant crossroads…of my life.
As a mother of a young toddler, I found myself in a very vulnerable space. A space where I have found comfort in…but also disempowered by. Some things or more have been missing and falling away during these years or longer, the essence of whom I once was.
I am staring down what feels like a bottomless cliff, knowing I have to make the scariest leap of my life to the other side, the unforeseen future. To be honest, I am deeply fearful of falling and uncertainty about what I might find. What if? What if? What if? But there is no other way. Deep down, I know I have to make the leap…I have to leave the old so I can shine anew.
The irony is, I feel the excitement brewing within.
My heart is rebellious.
Finding myself in this space has brought me immense inspiration. I’m feeling alive…I can feel deeper and deeper each day…again. It has made me wanting to grow and become the best version of myself moving forward. Not for anyone, but for myself and my child.
I didn’t know I have been in a numb state had I not gotten here.
And here is where I found those lost pieces of ME again.
I was too busy surviving motherhood and homemaking. My head was spinning and I couldn’t even find a place to set my feet down…no support. I was so lost that I lost self-love, self-respect along this journey of becoming.
How I treat myself sets the boundary for others to do the same.
I thought I have surrendered to the human experience, circumstances of life and what was required to be a good mother and life partner. But in fact, I have surrendered and let go of important parts of me, bit by bit…I let my own mind blinded me.
I didn’t realise I was just chipping away pieces of myself in order to conform within the structure of many ideas and facades I made up…of what a perfect life should be like. I have been dishonouring myself for a very-long-time trying to fit in. A few wake-up slaps on my cold-teary face.
Don’t we all get caught in a perfect life’s storm at some point?
I honestly thought I have shed many layers of old beliefs that aren’t serving my highest good…but here I am making some more discovery of those deep layers…I guess we never stop growing.
But growing always comes with pain…
And for a poem like this one, that helps me feel a little braver and calms my internal stormy rains.
I’m grateful to find comfort in words of others.
If you are where I am at…I hope you know that you’re not alone. We feel this intense loneliness and hurt at times. But you know….there are millions more that probably feel just…the same.
And maybe in that place…lonely people are lonely together, hurt people are hurting together.
I’m holding space for you…
I’m holding you…
I’m holding you…
…..
Pitinada
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